This is the kind of film that makes you wonder, "What was on the makers' minds when they thought of it?" The type when the audience laughs in sheer disbelief. Abbas-Mustan had a reason close to their heart to make 'Machine', as it marks the debut of Abbas's son, Mustafa. But sadly, it has turned out to be a heartless effort. High on style, low in substance, no troubleshooting can help this 'Machine'.

That's it. Look no further. The year's most unreal and surreal piece of chunk (strangely which has got mistaken as cinema) is here. Fear and torture come with different names and this time it's the Burmawalla duo - Abbas Abbas-Mustan's MACHINE. sink sink. zip zap zoom... a bala by the name Sarah ( Kiara Advani) rescues the ansh ( read son of Abbas from the Abbas Mustan duo - Mustafa ) called by the name Ransh in the movie from an accident and we witness the most unconvincing example of love at first sight. Believe it or not, the erstwhile popular mystery and crime genre entertainers of Bollywood - the acclaimed Men in White (Burmawalla Brothers - Abbas Mustan) are certain to land their viewers in such a miserable plight.

The mind boggles at the thought of movies like these, that actually get written (?), shot, publicized and manage to hit the theaters. Does no one with an ounce of objectivity intervene at any point? Anyway, here we are, and here it is. Ransh (Mustafa) is a machine (the heroine's words, not ours), who has no heart. He is made to fall in love with girls, then made to kill them and steal their money. Sarah (Advani) becomes his victim and but is soon resurrected to bring down her sly lover when he's on his next hunt. Her saviour? The twin brother of a friendzoned Romeo who dies at the hands of Ransh earlier.

There is a college somewhere in Himachal Pradesh. It is called Woodstock. It seems to have only one active teacher. This lady is anyways a class apart. When she decides to stage William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet with her students, she not only disembowels the timeless tragedy of the Bard's language - "we are doing a musical, we don't need words," she announces to her wards - she also appends a scene to the play and names it 'the Heaven Act'. The nerve of the blissfully ignorant! Needless to say, the performance is hell, a full-on travesty. That is a malaise that afflicts Abbas-Mustan's Machine as a whole.

In 2017, what should one expect from a thriller film, beautiful locations, remixed music, lots of explicit content and no logic at all. That's what directors Abbas-Mustan's Machine is all about. Ransh (Mustafa) incidentally meets Sarah (Kiara Advani) on the road and falls in love (that typical love at first sight in slow motion). Ransh impresses Sarah and proposes her for marriage. The two get married and soon after Ransh kills Sarah (predictable interval point). Why did Ransh kill Sarah? This is what Machine is all about.

The opening credits of director duo Abbas-Mastan's launchpad for son/nephew Mustafa, shows an elaborate graphic of human organs. The camera travels into a human ear and ends up in the heart area. A red and black throbbing globule hangs off some branches. At first I thought it was a beetle bug, but it turned out to be a beating heart receiving some kind of external shock.

Disclaimer: The writer of this review was brainwashed by an evil voice soon after he finished watching Machine -- he is yet to regain his senses -- and as a result, he was reduced to a machine: A brainless, heartless machine that makes no sense of what one sees and writes. Consequently, he is behaving like a machine and this review was coded by him using an intricate machine language. If you understand this review, you don't need to watch the film because you have just turned yourself into a super-intelligent being.

Ransh (Mustafa) is a mysterious man with no family background. He falls for Sarah (Kiara Advani), love at first sight of sorts. Their love story brews further, thanks to their shared interest of racing and the same college they study in. The two get married at a mere age of 21. It becomes evident soon enough that Sarah, love or marriage is least of Ransh's priorities. From there on the romantic setting takes a drastic turn, and a revenge saga begins.

Sarah Thapar (Kiara Advani) is a racer who participates in the 'Ultimate racer challenge' and in spite of being one of the best, gets beaten by Ransh (sounds like lunch at many places! - Mustafa Burmawala). Ransh and Sarah are in the same college and in no time, the duo start to have feelings for one another. After receiving surprise gifts from an anonymous lover, Sarah plans to meet her secret admirer at a bridge. In an unfortunate accident near the bridge, her admirer Aditya (Eshan Shankar) is killed by a speeding car.

27 years, 17 films, launch of potential stars, Abbas-Mustan have done it all. From Shah Rukh Khan's career-defining Baazigar to Akshay Kumar's first commercial success Khiladi, the duo have always left their mark. Sleek editing, countless twists and glossy texture comprise the trademark Abbas-Mustan style that ruled the suspense-thriller genre in Bollywood for so many years. Yet they failed miserably when it came to the launch of Mustafa, Abbas' son. Not only this, Machine might be the worst film of their filmography.

MACHINE is essentially a love story (written by Sanjeev Kaul) which happens amidst the greed for money and mysterious circumstances. The film starts off in picturesque North India, with the introduction of the extremely helpful Saira Thapar (Kiara Advani). This is followed by the 'racy' introduction of Ranch (Mustafa Burmawalla), who is smitten by Saira at first sight. This is followed by a car race, which is won by the dashing Ranch, who doesn't believe in the concept of 'using brakes', which forms his secret to success.