'Koi Jaane Na' translates as No One Knows. So prophetic, you think, as soon as the film opens. Because no one quite seems to know just what's going on, for every excruciating minute of two hours. Kunal Kapoor is a writer with a block. Said writer's vengeful ex (Vidya Malvade) scrunches her face and declares war. Why does she hate him so? We don't know.

In my callow youth, I watched the Aftab Shivdasani/Gracy Singh starrer Muskaan (2004) in a single-screen theater in Darbhanga, Bihar (it's where I was born, where my grandmother still lives). Not only was the film a flaming hot mess, it also seemed to be edited with a cleaver -121 minutes of runtime had been reduced to just over 90, because of which our enterprising Darbhanga hall-owner was able to run a mind-boggling six back-to-back shows (bookended by soft-porn fare).